Swiss Princess

I was chosen to marry the prince of Switzerland without having ever met him. Dressed in white I was escorted to the castle by different family members of the prince who were all getting to know me by asking me questions and checking me out. It was a long walk from where ever I was starting from.

I was brought into a building and stepped into a closet type thing with one of the prince's scraggly looking uncles. All of a sudden the closet turned into a secret elevator and we went down down down and I was crying because it frightened me.

At the bottom I got out and was led to a table of men, all related to the prince and all different ages, for a game of poker. I had an excellent hand and put them all to shame. It felt really good. After my victory in walks the prince's brother to meet me. He was dashing and I fell in love with him at first sight. He felt the same way about me.

We ended up having a passionate love affair behind the prince's back -- strictly not allowed but we couldn't help ourselves. I was betrothed to the prince but I was madly in love with his brother, who was wild with jealousy.

After one particularly steamy tryst the brother took out a knife and attacked my eyes. In Switzerland, bloody eyeballs mean you are cheating on your husband with another man. I screamed and cried for my love to not gouge my eyeballs as he cut me. He then left in a hurry and I bandaged my eyes with gauze. In the morning my chambermaid came in and I didn't want her to see that my eyeballs were bloody. I hid and ran to the bathroom and undid the gauze to find out that my love hadn't attacked my eyeballs but had left little slits in the corner of my eyes. Was this a warning? In any case I was happy our love affair hadn't been uncovered by his jealous rage.

Ornament Fiasco

It was Christmas morning and my entire family was gathered around the tree opening presents. My Aunt Sally, who had no idea on what to buy anyone this year, asked my mom what to get me, which was a shoe ornament from the Metropolitan Art Museum in NYC. (I collect these in real life). Mum even sent her the web address of where Sally could buy them online.

When I opened my gift I did not find the shoe ornament I was hoping for. Instead I found a baby croc shoe, which, I assumed, Sally thought I should hang on the tree. It was blue and I was disappointed.

I wanted this:

But I got this:

Sail Away!

I woke up yesterday singing the song "What do you do with a drunken sailor?!" and I have no idea why. We used to sing it in chorus in elementary school and honestly, I haven't sung it since. But it was stuck in my head all day and I think contributed to the dream I had last night...

I was in Boston Harbor and it was filled will all different sorts of boats and ships. It was extremely busy.
I was tooling around in my little motor powered floating lounge chair and spied these four guys who were floating on a huge craft made from gigantic logs. Think Huckleberry Finn times 50. Each guy was manning a corner of the raft with long paddle poles. The entire surface was covered in waterproof sacks filled with who knows what....food and clothing I surmised. They were going to float around the world on their handmade boat. Exciting! I decided to join them.

The float was much deeper than I had imagined. I actually wasn't sure how it really floated with the heavy logs piled on top of each other. We got out to the middle of the Atlantic when we realized something strange and wrong was happening to the floor of our craft. We looked down at the floor and there was a hole with a gigantic eye looking up at us. We were being infested with hundreds of extra large swimming rats!

They had come aboard in Boston and were eating away at the bottom of our boat and we were in big trouble. One of the guys and I grabbed a couple of blow torches and prepared for the onslaught of the rats as they chewed their way through our logs. There seemed to be thousands of them!

We eventually won our battle against the rats but our raft was compromised and we had to go ashore to assess the damage.

High Tide

I was attending a basketball camp in New Orleans. Which surprised me because I'm really terrible at basketball. We had some down time so me and these two other campers were hanging out on a swing set overlooking the Gulf Coast.

One of them asked me if I thought New Orleans was pretty. She was from Louisiana. I told her about how it could be prettier if there weren't so many down-and-out poor people trying to fix their homes after Hurricane Katrina and that the government is too caught up in paperwork to help these people.

As we were talking and watching the tide come in I saw what I thought was a baby being drowned by the water as it was playing in the sand. I ran over to it and into the water and found out that it was really a baby doll sitting in a tupperware container that was being taken over by the tide. I was a little embarrassed as families were looking at me like I was a crazy Yankee.

Image Note: I realize that this is a poor depiction of my dream -- that the tupperware is sub-par and the Gulf of Mexico near Louisiana is more brown than blue. Forgive me.

I do?

My friend Kevin asked me to marry him and I felt that I could not say no. He took a job in Newport to be close to me and we were going to get a house in between his job and mine.

My whole family was heading to the coast to have dinner with his family but no one knew it was really going to be a wedding. I was very sad about it. Marrying Kevin meant that I could no longer be with my boyfriend who I had been dating for a while. But I just couldn't bring myself to call the wedding off. Three of Kevin's friends, who were the groomsmen, gave me the engagement ring Kevin had picked out. It was gold. It had a purple, green and pink stone (which looked like jagged pieces of crystal) on it. It was hideous.

Throughout the day Kevin has us do little games and my family realized that we were there for a wedding. I was hiding my ugly ring, not wearing it around my parents and grandparents. No one could believe it. The only one who was happy about it was my sister. Luckily I woke up before the nuptials.

Wedding Warts

My lovely friend Caroline had just gotten married. I went to visit her a few weeks after the wedding only to find her in a severely depressed state. She had Post-Nuptial Disorder -- with nothing more to plan or get ready for, she had lost her zest for life.

She had also developed these long, stalactite warts on her hands that she was trying to cover over and wrap up in band-aids. Another side effect of the Post-Nuptial depression. They were blue. They were gross. She was sad. I was disgusted.

Note: I did not include a photo on this post because all the warty ones I found online were disturbing.

Missed the Boat

Two people from high school that would never hang out in real life (Kendra Sewall and Heather Dekanich) and I went to Acadia National Park for a vacation. We took Kendra's car and decided to stop in for a bite at the Jordan Pond House. It was packed! So packed in fact that I decided to serve ourselves our drinks -- which were half hot chocolate and half hot tea and called a Tea Milky. I decided that I was going to try to get a waitressing job there next summer since I was so good at it!

After our trip we decided to take the ferry off of the island and back to Ellsworth. We were walking towards the water taxi to take us to the other side of the island where the ferry was when it started to pull away from the dock. We tried to jump on but we all landed in the ocean. Not happy.

As we crawled out I saw the bus that takes you to the other side of the island and started running after it, desperate to get on lest I miss the ferry. By this time I wasn't worried that my friends were keeping up. My parents saw me chasing the bus and decided to give me a lift. There were about 100 docks and finding the right one where my ferry was at was hard. I had my parents running after me, up and down the street trying to find #51.

Success! Once I got there I gave them my ticket only to find out that I really needed #91, which was on the other side of the island where I started from. I started rocking back and forth, obviously having an "episode."

I woke up in the fetal position.

Freezer Eating

I was working at a grocery store with the entire staff from the University of Maine Bookstore. Every morning when I got into work I would pull down my pants and underwear and sit in one of the big freezers in the frozen food aisle and eat a raspberry turnover.

I knew this was against health codes and morally wrong. But I continued to do it because my coworkers would walk by and not say anything to me about it.

I did this for about three weeks before Colleen told me it was unacceptable. I told her my plot all along and that I was just WAITING for someone to call me out on it. I actually thanked her for saying something so that I didn't have to do it anymore.

I think I had to pee in real life...

Human Chicken

I got knocked up by the guy I am dating. And at almost 31 years old I had decided to keep my babies. All six of them. Three girls and three boys. They were growing inside of me in turtle eggs.


The strangest part (like this isn't strange enough so far) is that they were growing in a pouch. I could lift up my belly, take the eggs out, look at 'em, and put them back in. My babies were black tadpole looking things. And I thought keeping them was a good idea.

Sex and the City and Melanie

In dreamland Sex and the City is real and I am Carrie's neighbor. In fact, I live in the apartment across the hall from her.

We had a nice relationship going, us both being writers and all. Our other writer friend, Kate Ghiloni, lived downstairs from us, and we would hang out looking fabulous and being smart on a regular basis.

I was having a drink with Samantha on the roof of my apartment when we realized the building next door was on fire. The building was the Times Warner building and the window panes were falling out of the offices because of the heat.

Samantha and I scurried down from our perch and grabbed Carrie from her burning apartment, grabbing Kate on the way out before the building fell down. We lost everything. EVERYTHING. All we had were the clothes on our backs which were, of course, designer and chic.

We sat on our stoop watching the entire Times Warner building lose it's walls. The building, for some reason, didn't fall. We could see right through to all the floors and marvled at the technology they used over there.

When we got tired of watching the destruction we all went out for blueberry pancakes. Ce la vie.

The Wrong Guy

I was waiting for my new online boyfriend to show up at my apartment for a weekend of camping and fun. We had been talking on the phone all week and I could tell that he was just a doll. But the guy who showed up at my door wasn't who I was expecting...

Gareth from the BBC's The Office!? What? How could this be? How had I invited him by mistake?

I went back through my phone records and realized I had gotten people mixed up. Instead of inviting the hot nice guy I invited Gareth! In a panic I called who I thought was the hot, nice guy to see what he was doing that weekend. Instead I got ahold of Putty from Seinfeld and he wasn't free that weekend -- he had plans with someone else and the best I could get was brunch with him on Sunday.

Confused as to what happened to hot, nice guy I tried kicking Gareth out of my apartment. He was surly, apparently drunk, and making a mess of stuff. There was no way I was going to ditch him without hurting his feelings and I was really stressed out about it.

Luckily my cell phone woke me up.
It was the hot, nice guy.

Things I do when I'm sleeping....

Last night my friend Ian texted me and I got it late at night. I read it and went back to sleep. In my dream I was on the phone with Ian and I couldn't hang up with him. My cell phone was on the fritz. I could hear him say my name over and over again but couldn't hang up. The only way it would work was if I took the battery out of my phone.

When I woke up this morning I saw that my phone was in pieces and I thought "did I really call Ian last night?" Sure enough I did. Twice.

I hate when my realities get messed up by my unconscious habits.

Wicked Chickens

I was a member of the new season of Survivor. My tribe wasn't faring so well. In fact, we were really really hungry. A crate of three chickens shows up and everyone rejoyces -- food at last. But as they were slaughtering the birds, strange liquid and puss was oozing out of them. These chickens were poisonous.

I tried to warn my fellow teammates but they wouldn't listen. They were starving. After the chickens had been cooked their meat looked more than wrong. The meat of one of the chickens looked like crystals and when bit into they crunched. Another chicken's meat looked like sour cream. But did this stop my teammates from eating the chickens? NO!

So they got sick. And I didn't because I didn't partake in the meal. While everyone else went to the hospital I was left behind. The last to survive -- I won!

Babies Galore

Salvador and Miosotis were married (in real life they are not) and had two adorable kids. They decided to try for one more. Instead they got 8 more. Holy babies! While I was happy for him I was also worried at how they were going to afford all these kids. I told Miosotis that she would have to stay home and take care of them and she got pissed that I told her she would have to quit her job. Sal made more money -- it just seemed obvious.

In any case, I decided to create a family sculpture of Sal, Mio, and their brood of children. Using red clay I created a modernist sculpture that really wasn't any good. But it was my tribute to them and it seemed ok enough. Had I been a better friend I would have purchased them a truckload of diapers.

'She's my cherry pie...'

As Mimi's sister, I'm obviously prone to 'interesting' dreams myself. She's asked me to post a few, so here's a brief one I had last night:


I was dating the D.J. of a swanky club. He had his dog with him, a black lab named Cherry Pie, and everyone kept tripping over her because she was laying right outside the booth. Imagine trying to see a black dog in a dark club! Being the good girlfriend that I am I told him I'd take Cherry Pie home and he could meet me later... and not to worry, I knew he was sleeping around. Apparently I'm more forgiving in my dreams than I am in real life.

-jbs

Crazy Pee

I was on location in the Midwest, writing a story about weird teenagers and what they do to appear different from everyone else. The girl I was covering made herself look like a cat with make up and an interesting hair-do. I wasn't overly impressed to tell you the truth.

Back at her house I met up with her mom. I contemplated telling her that her daughter wasn't really that different but I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I just figured I wouldn't use her in my article.

The mom and I both had to pee so we went into their bathroom that had -- lo and behold -- two toilets next to each other. Thinking nothing of it we both dropped our pants and let loose.

Well, this woman's pee stream got more and more forceful the longer we sat there. And she peed forever! It started spurting out of the toilet and onto my new blue high heels. I was pissed (no pun intended here folks...) and the stronger it got the more I got sprayed.

After a bit I pushed her off the toilet and into the shower, hoping the shower curtain would keep me safe. She was like a possessed sprinkler. I thought to myself, now THIS woman would make a good story....

New York Times Cover!

During grad school at New York University I found out that the journalism program was offering a combined MA and PhD degree and was giving out tuition wavers that amounted to $50,00.00 a year. BUT. They were only giving these financial aid packages to international students.

One German student was given the award and her writing sucked. The more international students that got tuition deals the more I got mad. NOT FAIR! And my international friends felt guilty -- but they weren't going to turn down free money. I didn't blame them.

What I did do was gather a bunch of my American student friends to bring a formal complaint to the student senate. We also brought live chickens, too. In boxes. Whoever could carry a chicken in a box through the streets of NYC was encouraged to. We had quite a lot of them, actually.

We debated. We yelled. We demanded justice! We lost. But we made front page news in the New York Times. See?....

Or at least I did. I was very proud.

We left the chickens behind....

Jason Strange

I ran into an old acquaintance and we decided to go out for Mexican food. His name was Jason Strange. We met at a restaurant and because Jason Strange doesn't believe in wearing shoes, he was sporting bright white tube socks.

We ended up sitting with another couple that we didn't know and Jason was leaning on their last nerves. He was being obnoxious, swearing, and being an all around wise-guy. He got a Pabst Blue Ribbon dumped on him. Jason jumped over the table and started making out with me. He was a really bad kisser. We left soon after that.

We jumped in his green Jeep Wrangler and he took me to his multi-million dollar apartment. I gave myself a tour of the place, stopping to pee in every bathroom. He introduced me to his brothers -- one older and one younger -- and they all ushered me into the screening room to watch a movie.

At this point I was feeling rather uncomfortable with the Strange brothers. It was like a 6th sense and I knew that if I was to go watch a movie with them that I would be gang raped. Terrified I ran from the scene, jumped in Jason's green jeep, and sped away to the nearest subway station. I parked the jeep in a spot but couldn't decide where to take the train to. I returned to the jeep only to find that it was gone.

Panic. I had lost Jason's jeep.

The next morning at church with all of my high school girlfriends I retold the story. I was mortified that I had been so hasty in my feelings towards the Strange brothers. Maybe they didn't want to have sex with me at all. And I had lost Jason's jeep.

He sent me a text forgiving me. He was, after all, a multi-millionaire and could buy another one. But I still felt bad. My friend Laura told me I should make up with him because he was rich and a really nice guy (despite his actions at the restaurant). I spent the rest of the dream feeling guilty.

Beware of the Whitehead

I had a regular sized whitehead right above my right eyebrow. I was in my parent's bathroom when I decided to pop it. It went quite smoothly. But what I was extracting wasn't the usual small, period-sized spec of dirt. No. It was big. And smooth. And suppository-like.

Here's a picture of the vessel that came out of my forehead. It wasn't soft like a condom. It was hard like a liqui-gel. And clear.

And if that wasn't weird enough there was moss inside of it. And sticks and dirt and pine needles. Oh, there was even an old tree stump. All inside the liqui-gel suppository white head above my eyebrow.

Fascinated, even in my dream, I put it in a vial after my extraction. Besides being large and in charge it was also extremely hot! Don't touch! I wanted to show it off to everyone, but I had to be careful when I carried it around that I didn't wiggle it too much or else the dirt and moss would cloud up. It was best viewed when settled. Dirt and moss at the bottom, tree trunk at the top.

Note: I have been saying I want to get a facial. Maybe my unconscious is telling me something?

My Hysterectomy

I decided that, at 30 years old, I wanted to get a hysterectomy. It was a three day operation in a hospital not unlike a movie version of an old-school psych ward. I was in and out of consciousness during my stay and fell out of my bed three times. My bed was on wheels so I was also slip sliding all over the room.

I remember I wanted my mother there with me while I went through the procedure but that I went through it alone. After the three days I was all set to go. Uterus free. The side effect of the surgery, however, was that my legs were a very different shape. In fact, they were ridiculously cartoon-like. Not unlike these gams below...


And while I was excited about my new found ankles (in real life I have what I call "cankles" which are calf-ankles) I was aware at how sharp and unrealistic my legs were to those around me.

My first day out in the world post-op I was wearing a skirt. I was aware now that anyone who saw my legs would know that I was uterus-free and thus was trying to pull my skirt down over my legs to cover them. My operation was none of their business. To no avail. The pointing ensued and my embarrassment must have woken me up.

Note: I started a new job 2 weeks ago and told my office-mate my dream and she was mortified. Too much information I guess.